Researcher identifies three habits to maintain long-term friendships

Jessica D. Ayers, an assistant professor of psychological science at Boise State University, recommends three specific practices for maintaining strong friendships: sending quick check-ins, moving conversations offline, and integrating friends into existing schedules. Ayers notes that staying in touch can improve well-being, lower levels of depression and loneliness, decrease anxiety, and increase the chances of survival after major surgery.

Loneliness in the United States remains high, with many individuals reaching for technology devices rather than connecting with one another, according to an American Psychiatric Association poll published on May 12. A 2023 Pew Research Center survey of approximately 5,000 U.S. adults found that eight percent of Americans report having zero close friends. Ayers explains that people often grow apart due to life changes such as moving for a new job or entering different life stages, as well as newer challenges like relying too heavily on social media for contact.

Ayers states that the benefit of maintaining friendships is mutual, particularly in long-lasting and sustained relationships. An ongoing 88-year-old Harvard University happiness study indicates that a high degree of social fitness contributes to a longer, healthier, and more fulfilled life. Despite the effort required, Ayers emphasizes that the act of reaching out is beneficial for the person initiating the contact as well as the recipient.

The first recommended habit is sending a quick note or voice memo when a friend comes to mind. Ayers describes this as a brilliant practice and the best thing one can do to stay connected. She shares that she and her best friend, who live in Idaho and California respectively, exchange voice memos throughout the week. These messages range from quick check-ins to 15-minute breakdowns of important updates.

The second habit involves taking conversations offline whenever possible. Ayers advises against relying solely on technology to mediate relationships. For friends who live nearby, she suggests proposing in-person meetups, such as visiting a coffee shop together. She recommends writing to friends with specific plans to meet face-to-face rather than continuing to communicate exclusively through digital platforms.

The third habit is inviting friends into regular routines without requiring extra calendar time. Ayers suggests asking a friend to tag along during errands or low-pressure activities. She cites her own practice of inviting friends to her children's sporting events, where they can catch up between games or practice sessions. This approach reduces pressure because there are no specific expectations for the interaction beyond being present.

Some businesses now offer services to facilitate friendship, including summer camps for adults and guidance from friendship coaches that can cost thousands of dollars. However, Ayers maintains that simple, consistent efforts are effective for maintaining connections. The effort to stay in touch may seem selfless, but it serves as a form of self-care that supports overall mental and physical health.